


Let’s try to live

by Vas_i_lisa



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: A bit of drama, Attempt at Humor, Episode AU: s1 ep24, Fluff, Gen, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, OOC, Translation in English
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 17:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15712143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vas_i_lisa/pseuds/Vas_i_lisa
Summary: Ciel got his revenge and his story is about to end. He and Sebastian discuss some things and realise that both are not ready to let go.  But not before Sebastian does something unexpected.





	Let’s try to live

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU of the episode 24th (season 1). Some facts are changed, some lines from anime retained. Scene from the bridge used as an epigraph.

\--–

_“Young master, can you survive until I count down from ten?”_

_“Yes!”_

_“Well then, here I go. Ten… nine… eight…” demon counted, and finally - “One!”_

_Bright, blinding light flared._

_“It’s over, young master,” Sebastian called. He was looking almost fondly at the boy who was clinging to the edge of the bridge._

_Ciel looked upwards. There was faint, satisfied smile hiding in the corners of his lips. But then strength left him completely, he let go and fell down. Glowing cinematic records sprang from his chest. He was smiling even when his body sunk into the water._

_Sebastian dived after him. “You are a liar. You promised to stay alive until I reached one.”_

_“I tell lies.”_

_“I will not let you die just yet,” demon caught Ciel’s light body and turned to swim up._

_“Of course. You don’t lie.” Ciel’s words were sluggish. “There is something I’d like to ask you.”_

_“What would that be?”_

_“Who are you now?”_

_“What a silly question. When standing before my young master’s eyes I am at all times one hell of a butler.”  Sebastian emerged from the water and the rising sun greeted them._

\--–

 

Ciel regained consciousness in the boat, already changed into clean suit and lying in fragrant roses for some reason. He didn’t ask where Sebastian was sailing them, nor did he ask how they manage to leave the loud city behind so quickly. Pretty lights floated around them and snippets of his own memories drifted in the water.

 “That’s your feelings, my lord,” Sebastian explained seeing his interest to gentle solemn balls of light.

“I didn’t know they are so beautiful. Wish I could see yours.”

So, they probably weren’t in the human world anymore. Ciel was so tired that even this incredible revelation didn’t faze him.

“People say demons don’t have a heart or a soul, so they also incapable of feelings,” Sebastian reminded.

“That angel on the bridge, he mentioned your soul. Called it dark and twisted, disgusting,” Ciel snorted half-heartedly. “So, it exists. Anyway, the very same things he said about mine. Also, considering your eager participation and interest during our little games, your strict butler ethics, passionately anticipated pleasure of my soul consumption – only fools would dare to deny your ability to have feelings.”

“You are very perceptive, my lord. Of course, every living being have a soul. Even angels. The only thing they could find disgusting in you is your will to freedom. By turning from the God you managed to summon the only force able to save you. Thus you slipped out of other forces’ control and also got protection. Of course they wouldn’t like that.”

“That’s why they dislike you?” Ciel was mildly curious about similarities of his and Sebastian’s personalities being perceived by supernatural forces as unclean.

“You could say that, yes. Old gods of chaos weren’t ready to bow before the new heavenly Father and get power by spreading his dogmas, and that was their downfall. Life under the demon guise is more acceptable and decent for them, and much better attuned to the old principles of balance and equivalent exchange, than modern order of things.” Sebastian explained.

Ciel was listening with interest, his butler rarely spoke about himself.

 “Okay, but why did you save me, Sebastian? I was dying, I felt it. I was ready to die, almost glad. You could eat my soul then and there, on the bridge. Why wait?”

 “Like I said – it’s too early for you to die.”

“You also said it’s over.”

“Not so long ago an offer was made to me.” Sebastian confessed. “If I abandoned you, during the Last Judgment Day I could have as many souls as I wished. But I refused. I’m tired of my previous way of living, tired of mindless and endless eating. I explained that to those who made an offer, but when opportunity has arisen I devoured their soul.”

 “You… you have eaten an angel?” Ciel cried, astonished. It wasn’t hard to guess who could make Sebastian such an offer. «And didn’t get indigestion?” He joked childishly.

 “I’m perfectly healthy, thank you,” Sebastian smirked, but his next words were serious. It seemed he was glad to be able to explain some things at last. “Do you understand what responsibility you took upon yourself with our contract? At the old times that would be called a geis. I’m, your obedient pawn, did my job, but you, my young lord, did yours. Instead of making me do everything you wished the revenge to be yours, wanted to act and participate, wanted the strength above all others and was ready to wield it. You accepted responsibility. Not only you upheld your part of the bargain, you’ve made it happen through your own actions. Your will has shaped our bond and let me overcome supernatural forces, insolent and corrupted.” 

He didn’t say that at first he saw aforementioned will as pure arrogance, but bit by bit was charmed by unique mix of stubbornness, desperation, unexpected kindness, childish insolence and wisdom unusual for such tender years. Also, Ciel liked to play, though too often his games were bordering on dangerously insane. Such was his young master – unique. Their own game was never simple, though both of them diligently pretended otherwise. Sometimes Sebastian wasn’t even sure who had the upper hand.

Of course, he would never voice his reluctant and unexpected affection, though he suspected Ciel knew about that anyway. During their initial rough period of getting to know each other they managed to understand more than were daring to admit, and even more of this understanding came later. Not for the first time Sebastian congratulated himself for finding this treasure, and was going to keep it no matter what.

So he teased his little master, gave him security and assurance the boy silently craved, partnership and strength to realize his daring plans, and all this time he was hoping that after Ciel’s thirst for revenge is satisfied his inherent curiosity, tenacity and his very nature will help him find another reasons to live.

 “Our bond happened because we both agreed about our mutual responsibility, Sebastian.”

Though Ciel had to admit that reality didn't react kindly to his turning away from the God, indeed.

He didn’t anticipate increasing of supernatural activity around him and Sebastian. Thankfully, their bond was tough enough to withstand it. Whether the reason was Sebastian’s unhuman strength or his own belief that his revenge is righteous, Ciel didn’t know, nor wanted to know. He have to depend on his own resolve, their bond with Sebastian, and consistency of human nature. And his reckoning was proven correct.

“But you probably right. When we met, I was desperate and would take any help. Now I’m glad it was you who have answered my plea. I can’t deny that after awhile I learned to trust again. Not everyone, of course. Just you. Even now it’s strange to say that. I thought my ability to trust is lost forever.”

It seemed Sebastian’s frankness affected Ciel too.

For a moment the boy seemed almost apologetic. “Sorry. Your dinner probably won’t be as spicy as you hoped. But what you so eloquently describe as some kind of wilful heroics – you give me too much credit. I just hated those who wronged me with a passion. Everything else… just happened.”

 “Of course, my lord. Just happened,” Sebastian smiled fondly. “I can’t remember the last time I met someone who was able to play along with me as an equal, was willing to, and surprised me with their resolve despite their fragility.”

“Wait! So, had you think I wasn’t doing my part of the job properly, you’d have eaten me before the contract was finished?” Ciel asked indignantly, suddenly grasping the subtle meaning of butler’s words.

“Powers that be can destroy those who can’t uphold their part of the deal,” Sebastian was totally unperturbed. “Though you managed to intrigue me before such problem arose. And not long after our contract turned into the cause to care about your wellbeing instead of mere obligation. The process has proved to be more important than the outcome.”

 “That’s why you left me in France?” Ciel looked at him sceptically and a bit suspiciously. “You thought I can’t get to London while an angel was wreaking havoc there?”

Sebastian’s silence was very eloquent.

“Why?! That was my revenge!” Ciel was miffed despite fatigue. “And anyway, when have you found out that the Queen is in league with him?”

“The stench of fallen angel in the monastery was a hint. Combined with their plot and our given task it was an obvious give away. The number of mortals who could and would dare to destroy Phantomhive family was small, and even less had means to do so. But you wouldn’t be able to take on the Queen or the angel. Their alliance promised chaos I hoped to shelter you from. I couldn’t tell you everything, my lord, because you wanted to find evidence yourself and played the role of loyal watchdog so convincingly.”

 “That’s all right.” Ciel’s words were bitter. “I’ve also found evidence pretty soon, but it took time to accept it. You are right, not everyone had reasons and ability to destroy my family. You thought my resolve was shattering, so you pushed me towards accepting the obvious? Also let the fallen angel destroy London and kept your own hands clean?”

Sebastian carefully nodded. “Both of us were not as eager to end this charade as we could be, my lord, both wanted to postpone the end. I’d like to think that was because we both was enjoying our partnership.”

 “That angel tried to seduce you.”

“That was hopeless endeavour and artless performance.”

 “I thought you’ve abandoned me, seeing my reluctance to kill the Queen as betrayal of my principles.”

 “For a moment I thought that your resolve has faltered.” Sebastian couldn’t deny his disappointment, knowing that’d teach Ciel another lesson.

 “I also thought you betrayed me deliberately, to make your dinned spicier.”

 “I had other plans for dinner, my lord. At that moment the outcome depended not on your decisions only. I’ve shaped some events as I saw fit and you played your role.”

“So you did plan this.” Ciel didn’t bother to ask anymore. “By the way, that false queen – what was that?”

“Someone’s failed experiment.”

“It almost cost me my life.”

“You knew that the Earl of Phantomhive must die at some point.” Sebastian reminded. “You were ready for this. I tried to keep you away from danger but knew even than how futile those efforts are going to be.”

He noticed a little blue flower-ring in the water, caught it and tried to put on Ciel’s finger to lighten the mood, but with one hand that was impossible. Ciel took it and put on his thumb.

“Very pretty, my lord.”

“We almost have a perfect marriage, Sebastian, seeing that we both made such an effort to keep our relationships going,” Ciel’s words were fond and ironic, despite his apathy. Vague shape of the island appeared from the fog.

 “You can’t deny that we make a great team,” Sebastian teased. «You didn’t lose childish passion for a good game and ability to dismiss boundaries that adults are so fond of. Otherwise even with your unusual nature you’d hardly was able to cope with those tasks and experience.  Though you bear responsibility as not every adult can. Don’t try to convince me that you haven’t enjoyed our adventures.”

Sebastian had enough time to realise that his little master liked to play and was quite skilled. Even if that ability was developed under duress, the foundation was purely Ciel’s.

“And don’t worry, I’m sure your servants will be fine. Some day we’ll also find Pluto’s remains and bury him.”

 “Adventures were not bad,” Ciel conceded, surprised by “we” in the promise to bury Pluto’s bones. Like he had any future to think about. His story was about to end, so why Sebastian phrased it like that? The thoughts were sluggish, probably because of the wound and fatigue.

They finally arrived to the island. The boat stopped at the empty sandy spot. Demon picked Ciel up and walked into the depths of the island along the barely visible path.

 “Why we are here, Sebastian? Does you having a meal require such complicated arrangements?”

 “For you, my lord, I want to be an ideal butler until the very end and to do everything properly.”

Sebastian didn’t mention that here, in the old gods’ place of power and outside of human world his ability to do what he planned was much greater.

He put boy onto the stone bench, took off his eye patch.

“Take my soul, and with it take the pain of my life,” Ciel asked, tired beyond reason.

Sebastian didn’t hold back. The soul was tearing from the exhausted body reluctantly. It did hurt, almost unbearably. That pain burned out Ciel’s anger at father’s decision, his disappointment of mother’s meekness, his fury of betrayed loyalty, his tiredness from maintaining many responsibilities and bitterness of stolen childhood. Everything condensed in the blinding ball of hot pain that pierced Ciel’s very essence. But then pain receded, giving way to calm, easy feeling of nothing. Darkness embraced him – familiar, mysterious, trusted. That’s Sebastian, – Ciel realized. So, this is the end. Now he can let go and rest. “ _Finally_ ”, he thought, ready for oblivion.

But it never came. Instead the light came – soft at first, then it became stronger, fiercer, insistent.  That light washed over him – healing, soothing, invigorating. Tendrils of darkness brushed him lovingly, then roughly pushed, and after a moment of disorientation Ciel felt himself again, alive. Felt his body, the coolness of stone bench, the heat of Sebastian’s palm on his cheek.

“Why?! What did you do?!” He hissed angrily, desperately, looking into burning, hellish fire of Sebastian’s eyes.

“I have finished our contract. I let you feel the pain of your life, at last, so that you could leave it behind. Also, I nourished your soul with angel’s grace, to make it heal the body. People can’t accept angels’ essences directly, they’d burn out,” Sebastian explained frankly, and soothed furious Ciel before the boy managed to utter a word, correctly guessing what caused such reaction. “Don’t worry, now that’s just energy with specific healing and nourishing qualities. There is not even an ounce of angel’s nature left.”

 “You did plan this from the beginning!” Ciel scowled, vexed by yet another evidence of butler’s wilfulness.

 “No. But at some point of our partnership I realized that I wish you to live. The end of the game should not mean the end of your life.” There was sincerity and conviction in demon’s words, almost stubbornness, and not a hint of trickery.

 “You can’t decide for me whether I live or die!”

“Yes, I can. Our contract is finished, we are at my place of power, and there are no obligations between us anymore.”

 “Except one – you have to take my soul!”

 “To take, but not destroy. I did take it, and used it as I pleased. You were ready to die and give me the payment promised, and I value your integrity. But… I ask you to live.”

Ciel froze up, not ready for such choice. 

 “Ah, I still can surprise you”, demon smiled. “So, maybe our further co-existence won’t be a burden? Take a risk, my lord. You know I don’t lie. Like I said, I’m tired of my previous life, full of mindless gorging on endless souls and nothing more. I want you to live. We do make a great team.” He lightly touched a flower ring on boy’s thumb. “Do you need a reason to live? We’ll find you a reason.”

 “I’m not a toy!” Ciel was offended. “I’m not going to chain myself again right after getting rid of the leash!”

 “You’ve had many opportunities to die, and yet you stubbornly clung to life.” Demon reminded. “Even then, on the bridge, you could slip away without consequences. But you were holding on. Why? You knew that I will fight till the end and your revenge is going to be complete no matter what.”

Ciel gasped in shock hearing this unexpected truth. He thought that he desperately wanted to avenge him and his family, and then die, letting Sebastian have his soul unstained by self-doubts. But as it turned out Sebastian saw his desperate wish that Ciel had hidden from himself and didn’t dare to think about.

 “To be just Ciel… I don’t know how to just… live.”

 “You will learn, my lord. But live for yourself, not in spite of those who wished you dead.”

 “I did, Sebastian. Everything I did – I did it for myself. So, you put yourself in disadvantage, refusing your rightful payment, don’t you think? Though after eating angel’s soul I suppose you are not hungry at least. Hopefully, his was more nutritious than humans’.”

 “If you’ll decide to live, that’s enough for me.”

 “Sebastian, _for you_ were those pretty feelings. Well, some of them. Isn’t that enough?” Ciel’s cheeks were dusted pink but his usual arrogance was also coming back. “You say you regret not being able to be an ideal butler till the very end, but look at you - saved me, haven’t eaten my soul, and now are persuading me to live!”

 “While the light of your soul shines only for me I’m going to keep it as long as I can,” Sebastian pragmatically reminded about his far from selfless nature. 

 “I love you too, Sebastian,” Ciel replied half-jokingly, realising futility of further arguing. It seemed Sebastian wasn’t going to change his mind and Ciel had to admit that the idea about trying to live sounded… interesting. His soul, washed in angel’s energy, felt invigorated, unburdened. Sebastian’s company made him content.

“But don’t you dare to make a choice for me ever again!” He warned.

 “You will manage from now on, my lord.”

 “I’m not your lord anymore.” Ciel reminded wryly. “Your duty for the Earl of Phantomhive is done.”

 “I would like to keep my commitment to Ciel, if you don’t mind.”

 “Well,” the boy mused. “Let’s try to live then, Sebastian.”

 

\- the end -


End file.
